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I don`t like surprises so, I never open my Electric Bill or my Bank Statement.
Better pound all these beers so I can get the bottles in the bin for recycling day.
Sometimes you can tell it’s going to be a bad day when someone you don’t like is smiling.
I`m sticking to my guns ... I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
How to tell if a woman is mad at you: 1.She`s quiet 2.She`s yelling 3.She acts the same 4.She acts different 5.She murdered you
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don`t have great childing skills either.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
I`ve been spending so much time on Facebook, that I forgot the internet has porn.
I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance! ..By driving away and not leaving a note.
All my friends are getting married and having kids or getting really good at video games.
Some psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person`s confidence, but nobody in this park seems to appreciate it.
Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair. Made of steel. Twice. From Hulk. On adrenaline rush.
You know its Monday when your left eye wont open and your right eye is twitching.
Never resist a mad impulse to do something nice for me.