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If you figure me out I want an explanation.
The voices in my head tell me not to listen to the voices in my head, and now I don`t know who to listen to anymore
i am not so think, as you drunk i am
Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space
They should start selling Photoshop CD`s at cosmetic shops.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Checked a lot off my thought-about-doing-today list.
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo, because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
If money can`t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
After the doctor left the exam room from my prostate exam. The nurse came in with three words I didn`t want to hear. "Who was that?"
Look Bruce, just because you call it the "Batcave" doesn`t change the fact that you still live in your parents basement.
You know you are meant to be when you high five after sex.
There’s a guy whose whole job is to find new places to hide the “close this ad” button.
The older I get the better I used to be.
Here`s a crazy trick to avoid looking fat in pictures: Lose weight.