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I have a hidden talent......I really wish I could find it!
I`m not impatient. You`re just slow.
I`m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Summer is real cool until every f*ckin type of insect comes out of the 8th circle of hell.
Dating would be a lot easier if the opposite sex had a tail. That way, I could see if it was wagging or not after I did or said something.
Shout out to bees, willing to kill themselves just to inconvenience a hater.
I`m no mathlete, but I CAN tell you that a 6 y/o running at 8 mph chasing an ice cream truck moving at 10 mph flies 7.4 ft if you trip him.
The only difference between sex and breakfast is sometimes I don`t want breakfast.
I just found love.....its on page 369 in dictionary
Things I do everyday: 1.Get up 2.Survive 3.Go back to bed
We can put laser-equipped robots on Mars, but wrinkled dollar bills still don’t work in vending machines?
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
You`re not unlucky. Bad things happen to you because you`re a dumba$$.
Somewhere in the world right now, somebody is buying a house based on its potential for great bathroom selfies.
How`d this get posted?