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If I had a dollar for every girl that told me I was unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
Everybody says waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great but I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don`t know me if they think one tiny cheese drawer and two giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
A hospital is the only commercial establishment where the worse service they provide you, the more you`ll come back.
One of these days I`m going to get help for my procrastination problem.
Can Walmart be a feeling? I think that`s how I feel today.
Everyday I’m shoveling. – Winter 2014
Hello...
This sushi restaurant has the worst service. "Sir, this is an aquarium"
Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked “do you have any firearms with you?” do not reply “what do you need?”
Big shout-out to slugs for doing everything a snail does but without a helmet.
My parents are visiting. So I pretty much know how much gas cost everywhere.
I`m Not Perfect. Your Not Perfect. But Together We Can Be a Perfect Sense of Humor LOL!
Don`t wait until you`re on your deathbed to tell people how you really feel because you could be too weak to raise your middle finger.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.