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I am so deep in the friendzone I have been introduced to her boyfriend`s parents.
I heard an ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But then, I can`t drive a bus..
If you say "I slept like a baby" in front of me, I`ll ALWAYS assume you woke up every 2 hours, pissed yourself and cried for your mommy.
Do you ever get that feeling that you are being watched? Because if it is bothering you, I can stop.
During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me? Just the other night she called me from some hotel.
I dont know whats more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
There are three kinds of people: Those who totally agree with my messages, those who kind of agree with me, and those locked in the trunk of my car.
Women have a lot more experience dealing with bloodstains than men. Men are convicted of murder a lot more than women. Coincidence?
Somewhere in America, a woman has a baby every 47 minutes. We`ve got to find this woman and stop her!
Every novel is a mystery, if you never finish it.
Side effects of telling your wife to get a grip may include throat bruising or testicular swelling.
When a guy says "I`m Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.
There is no time to check time
It must suck to be an air conditioner repairman. You spend your day working in buildings that have no air conditioning. When it`s fixed and finally cool, you leave.
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job.