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Cannibals don`t drink coffee ... They have a cup of Joe instead.
I`m not sure if I actually have free time or there are things I`m forgetting to do.
You know you are old when your parties have glasses instead of red plastic cups.
Cashiers are always checking me out.
I hate people that don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re”. Their so stupid…….
If you listen real closely to my kids arguing tonight, you`ll hear the sound of me pouring a glass of wine.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I`m beginning to wonder if you`re a T-Rex.
I`m curious: Do girls shake the gasoline nozzle when they`re taking it out of their cars too?
I think you and I both know that you`re not facebook friends with me for the funny statuses.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
I feel sorry for people who don`t have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.
I don’t need your attitude. The voices in my head are enough
The moment when someone says a word and everyone laughs, including you and then someone goes, "Do you know what that means?" and you go "No, not really."
The worst part of owning an invisibility cloak is trying to remember where you hung it up.
I know what I`m getting for Christmas ... Fat. I`m getting fat.