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Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone
Today I gave up procrastination for Lent.
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I`d say it`s been a success.
I met a girl who told me that she broke up with her last boyfriend because he just didn`t work out. Which is when I knew, she wasn`t the one for me, as I hate to work out as well.
Helpful Tip: When your wife ask whats on TV, don`t say dust.
I’m sorry I slapped you. It’s just you seemed like you weren’t going to stop talking and I panicked.
Is beer cheaper on cyber monday?
I havend`t heard from DAEMON MAILER in years, I hope he`s okay.
I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger.
Day 1-365: I am thankful for Veterans.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
If only my goals were to be poor, lazy and out of shape.
Karma may "work" but I think that bitch takes a lot of days off
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like "tiny doll feet scampering into the closet" because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: The one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.