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Don`t let the door hit you on the way out ... Hell, who am I kidding, I hope it hits you and knocks you down the f*cking stairs.
I spend most of my money on beer and cigarettes.. The rest I just waste.
Only 273 fruit roll-ups to go until I get my full serving of fruit...
It`s not so much blowing my diet as preventing the fudgesicles from developing freezer burn.
Everyone has fitness goals and I’m over here like, if I burn this many calories I can eat a whole pizza.
You guys make Facebook worth it! Just kidding, we are all wasting our lives.
If you play my day at work backwards, its about an idiot getting less and less annoying
Just found a shopping list in this cart that said, "Beer, wine, crap like that", so apparently my soulmate is still out there.
LIKE IF you… walk into a room, forget what you need, walk out, and then remember.
Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest stuff.
no one is perfect thats why pencil have eraser
I’m not a “stalker”. I want to make sure you’re okay at all times. You can look at me as an unpaid bodyguard.
If you don`t do stupid sh!t while you`re young, you`ll have nothing to talk about later in life while sitting at the bar.
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run but, I was still sweating by the end.
Is it just me, or would those movies had been far scarier if they were titled "Monday the 13th"