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I wish I had a dollar for every time I didn`t have a dollar.
You can tell how a persons life is going by how they press the crosswalk button.
I decided I`m not doing the whole clock-back routine this year. If you need me, I`ll be in the frickin future.
Are security guards at Samsung stores called Guardians of the Galaxy?
Please God take me back to being 12 & let me start again & mess up my life in an entirely different way. I have fresh ideas.
I don`t care how much you liked the soap - NEVER be caught smelling your fingers while walking out of a public restroom.
My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are at things, but I laugh more.
I always stip to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porn starts off.
Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
Dating Tip: If she hasn`t kissed you by the third date, she`s there for the food.
I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next life and came back reincarnated as me is really disappointed.
I give movies with 2 stars a 5 on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
Telling me to calm down is the easiest way to get me to tell you to go f*ck yourself.
If I were the guy who made the Where`s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn`t there
New documentary movie about white trash .... I only saw the trailer ....