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Life is too short to be angry and hold grudges. Just slap them in the face and move on!
Let’s get naughty and save Santa the trip.
I can`t even tell what this thing in my fridge use to be.
Hating everything saves countless hours of decision making.
If you are used to seeing a fat, naked guy walk around his house, then you are probably my neighbor.
You know you are old when your birthday suit doesn`t fit anymore.
Health experts recommend a 1500 calorie diet. For those of you not good with math... that’s a 12-pack of 125 calorie beers. You`re welcome!!! ;)
The recipe said "prick with a fork,",,,, but enough about me.
Facebook is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.
What if dreams are just glimpses of alternate universes?
Next time a conspiracy theorist says, "That`s what they want you to think," say, "No, but that`s what they wanted you to tell me."
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn`t amused when I said, "I don`t think it`s working"
Why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
When I see someone yawn, I yawn. I wish it was the same with exercising....
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true!