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Kill them with kindness ..and then fart as you walk away
Why do medications always have side effects like `anal leakage` & `suicidal thoughts`? Why not `invisibility` or `spontaneous orgasms`?
My birthday is coming up. I dont like to think of it as getting older I like to think of it as experience points.
Girls must buy $500 purses just to impress other girls. No guy has ever said "Bro, she was ugly...but that purse...
If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it´s still on the list.
Save electricity! Would you like it if someone turned you on and then left?
After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like "feeding the hungry" and "How to thank a loving wife"
Life really is all down-hill once you get to big too ride in the shopping cart
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head...
Remember, I`m always here if you need shoulders for your ankles to lie on.
Mouth the word " vacuum" to a stranger & see what happens.
I guess if you spoke your mind, you´d be speechless, huh?
Vodka mixes well with everything, except decisions.
I’m looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data