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I always get hammered before I go jogging, that way I never go jogging.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive ..."Hi"
I enjoy shopping online because at least I don`t have to act all shocked when my credit card gets declined.
I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy".
Laughter is the best medicine (that my insurance is willing to cover)
You call them “cuss words.” I choose to call them “sentence enhancers.”
Just once, I`d like to see an honest Facebook status, like "happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!"
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
I left my phone at home all day today. Is the sky always blue like that?
I look at you and think "why has no-one hit you with a shovel yet?"
Is it just me or do mirrors look really sexy?
Health care in this country is a disgrace. My doctor said run 3 miles a day for a month. I`m now completely lost & 90 miles away from home.
HR wants me to give myself a self evaluation. This will be the first and last time they make this mistake.
Dear Fox news,I have yet to see any news about foxes. Sincerely, disappointed viewer.
I like to read magazines about parenting. That way, I can learn all the things my parents did wrong and I can go back to them and say "See? This is the reason I am like I am."