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We live in a society that’s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
Shoutout to my parents for not wearing a condom and creating the most awesome person alive.
Once your pants catch fire, the fact that you`re lying becomes less important.
They say you`re not supposed to go to the grocery store when you`re hungry. It`s been several days now, what should I do?
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Often think if I`d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
I just realised that sex is like air..its not important unless you are not getting any.
I’m sorry for what I said when I was hungry.
I find the best way to get rid of headaches is to send them either to their rooms or outside to play.
Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.
“My phone’s about to die.” is what I say 30 seconds into every phone call. Just in case!
The feeling you get when a woman asks you to guess her age is like wondering whether to cut the blue wire or the green wire when defusing a bomb.
I’m jealous of a book character for having sex with another character but sure come ask my advice about your marriage.
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, "what kinda robot does that one turn into?"
Oh, honey, you have gone beyond muffin top. That`s a busted can of biscuits!