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Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I wish I could feel as happy as an adult, as I felt as a kid when the teacher wheeled in the TV during class
Just put my money where my mouth is. Pennies taste disgusting.
Happy Saturday… the day you can put as much booze into your coffee as you’d like to put in on Monday.
The one good thing about an egotist. They don`t talk about other people.
From now on when someone asks you where you`re from look them dead in the eye and say: Planet Venus.
Next time I get a bunch of, "likes," on a comment I post on someones status/photo etc.. Im gonna edit my comment and change the whole comment to, "like this status if you would f*ck your father." Just to make anyone else who reads it from then on think ill about the people who liked it. ™
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those? -Me, at Home Depot
(Apocalyptic world) "Well guys......there goes our last female"
If I’m not eating I’m most likely not happy.
Being an adult is a lot like going to the vet. We`re all excited for the ride until we realize what it`s like where we`re going.
All single ladies, stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don’t force an innocent cat to live with you.
After a night of heavy drinkin’ there’s one thing I can’t stand… and that’s up.
A bachelor party seems more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
If we all had to wear a warning label, what would yours say?