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Really had my heart set on waking up rich today.
They should create an app that makes your cellphone go “ahhhhhhhh” when you plug it in.
It only takes a second to show a person how much you feel about them. The police call it indecent exposure, but whatever...
Tonight’s forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there`s a cop hiding in the bushes
If they have an Ice Cream Truck for kids why don’t that have a Beer Truck for adults?
This generation is guilty of making the wrong people rich and famous.
Sometimes people try to expose what`s wrong with you, because they can`t handle what`s right about you.
My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia, well he didn`t actually say that, but I could tell it was what the bastard was thinking.
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have
I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?
It´s not that I hate you, it´s just.. well I´ll put it this way.. if you were on fire & I had water, I´d drink it.
OMG!!!!! I almost went to the toilet without my phone!
To my neighbor using a chainsaw at 7:30 on a Sunday morning: Try holding the other end.
Sex Is Like Math: Add The Bed, Subtract The Clothes, Divide The Legs, And Pray To God You Don`t Multiply!