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I`m definitely the drunkest person in this ball pit.
Doctor: How`s your headache? Patient: She`s out of town.
Apparently sleeping your way to the top doesn`t mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.
I think I really have an amazing butt. Every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say "what an ass.."
There’s no question about it, the second half of the tank of gas goes twice as fast as the first!
There is really no way of knowing how many chameleons are in the room right now.
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better ... Well, for me anyway.
Happy Elastic Waistband Day
Did you know statistically you`re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a kitchen knife.
The institutions won`t take me so I am all yours.
Hit the popcorn button on my microwave but none has appeared yet.
You´re never too old to learn something stupid.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
I’m not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.
I´m up way too early for someone who wasn´t planning on seizing the day.