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Its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. Life sure is complicated sometimes.
The guy below me obviously doesn`t know that R2-D2 is in movies, not television
After dinner I like to sit in the garden in my underwear and smoke a cigarette.....but apparently that`s not done at this hotel....
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
My bank account is more like a countdown to my homelessness
It`s unfortunate that most people will never run out of things to say.
The problem is not the problem, the problem is your attitude about the problem.
I read my kids a few select facebook statuses before bed, kiss them on their heads, and whisper, "This is why we have to stay in school"
I don`t really like the idea that James Franco might be in my grandkids` history textbooks.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
The bad news is I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. The good news is I no longer give a crap.
Porn is a lot like yoga pants. Not everybody should be in them.
Hey ladies, tired of your man complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.
I see dead people. Well technically they`re stupid people, but give me a few minutes
"Don`t let a hot date turn into a due date."--my father`s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.