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Black Friday is the second closest thing to a zombie apocalypse except they want sales instead of brains.
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I’ll be out sick.
You ever wonder why it`s only women who need exorcisms?
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Has marriage been on Mythbusters yet?
Was the little pig who built his house out of straw some sort of idiot?
If I can see you, you`re invading my personal space.
Are you supposed to get an email that says “HAHAHAHAHA” after signing up for Match.com?
Going to Target. See you in about two hundred bucks...
My sex life is like a Ferrari ... I don`t have a Ferrari
Given enough coffee, I believe I could rule the world.
I would tell you to go to he!! but all dogs go to heaven.
These statuses are a lot better if you imagine them being read by Morgan Freeman.
I wake up everyday planning to be productive. Then a voice in my head says, " hahaa, good one!" Then we laugh and laugh and take a nap.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT. - My dog, whenever I`m eating.