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The best nicknames are the ones people don`t know they have.
My dad taught me righty tighty, lefty loosie.... that`s why I never dated left handed chicks.
7 billion people on the planet and I can only tolerate maybe 10.
A broken clock is right twice a day. I guess what I am saying is, that a broken clock is right more than you.
If I drunk text you and you`re sleeping, don`t text me in the morning. That ship has sailed.
I would like to congratulate my ex`s new boyfriend on giving up blow jobs.
Who`s further now, the Energizer Bunny or Voyager 1?
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Not to interrupt your story, but do you have a completely different and possibly shorter story?
She texted me: "your adorable." I replied: "no, YOU`RE adorable." Now she likes me, but all I did was point out her typo.
There’s a police helicopter above my house right now, so I’m cashing in and calling everyone who has ever said “when pigs fly.”
Sometimes I buy huge pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Best part of living alone...clothing optional ;)
You had me at Rice Krispies Treats
If a dwarf smokes weed does he get high or medium?