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I never know the proper etiquette with the pizza delivery guy. Do I kiss him before or after paying him?
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
I have OCD and ADD, so everything must be perfect..but not for very long.
Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
I feel like being that guy that gets upset when people use the term "straight A`s". "Fabulously flawless A`s" sounds much better.
Dating would be a lot easier if the opposite sex had a tail. That way, I could see if it was wagging or not after I did or said something.
Steve Jobs` text was meant to say: "I reign as CEO of Apple" Iphone autocorrect strikes again!
Ladies, don`t say that men never listen... We can tell you every word of what was said during an NFL pregame or in-game broadcast.
Worrying: a waste of imagination.
Screw love... I`d rather fall in chocolate.
How about a T.V. show that just explains the backstory on all of the “For External Use Only” warning labels.
It won`t be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It will be my inability to know when I should or shouldn`t laugh at something.
Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can`t help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.
My school always awarded dictionaries to the spelling bee winners. Which was weird because it should actually be awarded to the losers.
There`s a pretty good chance I`ll end up being one of those senior citizens who randomly bites people...