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Weekends are like a orgasm.. It`s takes a lot to get there and when u finally do it`s over in no time
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I`m making important life decisions.
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
Adding "and sh!t" to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin ... I don’t even know what that means, but now I’m hungry.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant - you can only hide it for so long.
You can`t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me.
Walmart needs observation decks.
Don’t be scared of making changes. Be scared of living the same shitty life because you didn’t change. And spiders. Be scared of them too.
I wish that life had an option for viewing other available episodes.
You`re beautiful until your Photoshop 30 day trial has gone.
I`m posing nude for an art class. No one asked me to. I think they`re making ceramic bowls.
Actions speak louder than words, unless those words are spoken by a drunken woman.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco...they have concrete walls...years of foods and supplies...and best of all the zombies can`t get in without a Costco membership card.
I went frisbee golfing today. I didn`t get an ace, but I did hit a guy and that was just as satisfying.