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If you make something easier for yourself they call you lazy. If you make something easier for everyone else they call you a genius.
My nephew asked me what marriage was like. So I gave him a candy bar and told him not to eat it.
If you say "I slept like a baby" in front of me, I`ll ALWAYS assume you woke up every 2 hours, pissed yourself and cried for your mommy.
Next time you take your dog for a walk pretend he`s solving a mystery.
Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.
My neighbor thinks I`m crazy and that I`ve been stalking her. well at least that`s what her diary says.
If I text with “Almost there!” I haven’t left yet.
Life is like a box of chocolates and you`re on a diet so you can`t even enjoy it.
A dozen roses: $12, a box of chocolates: $10, a Happy Valentines Day card: $2, still having $24 dollars because you`re single: priceless!
Trying to achieve the perfect erection. How hard could it be?
Preheating an oven requires too much commitment.
If a vegan does crossfit which do they talk about first?
Give a man a fish & he`ll eat for a day. Give a man a jelly fish and you can pee on him.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
The guy who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a download did not take his job seriously at all.