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This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she`s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Delete cookies? Why on Earth would I want to do that?! I LOVE COOKIES
I`ve had frozen pizza and delivery pizza in the same day, b!tch you don`t know me.
The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.
Making a woman laugh is one of the keys to winning her heart, unless she’s laughing at your junk.
Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can`t dance.
I imagine a world where whining on Facebook is illegal.
I`d publish my autobiography but it`s just a bunch of liquor stained pages filled with doodles, and rants about stupid people.
Like if you really googled to see if that kid really died from masturbating
Learn to fight like you`re the third monkey trying to get on the Ark!
Share this if you know someone who is alive today simply because you don`t want to go to prison.
Just once I`d like to see a stripper do the "Carlton" on stage.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it`s not in my way.
“Have you tried just eating a ton of pizza?”- me as a therapist
If Jesus was the son of Mary and he was the Lamb of God, Does that mean Mary had a Little Lamb?