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If anyone tells you that you drink to much on the weekends. Stop talking to them...you don`t need that kind of negativity in your life
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
I carry a knife, but it’s just in case of cake.
If someone says you used too much butter or cheese on something, stop talking to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity
We may be an advanced nation but we still have to remind employees to wash their hands when they pee.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
If a girl bangs ten dudes in a year she is a slut. If a guy done he`s gay. Definitely gay.
Bumper stickers are helpful for recognizing members of society you do not want to associate with.
What is this `wrong hole` you people speak of?
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
How do some people manage to sit on it and talk out of it at the same time?
I hate when a website has a picture that you can click and enlarge. Then the "enlarged picture" is the same exact size as the thumbnail!
People were shocked when they found I wasn`t a good electrician. :-)
If we’re not supposed to eat late, then why is there a light in the fridge?
Bored? Simply send a text to a random number saying "I`m pregnant"