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Sometimes, you can just tell it`s gonna be a "does not play well with others" kind of day.
My coworker`s inspire me to drink on the job.
I won`t be impressed with technology until I can download food.
I`d rather spend 5 minutes reorganizing the dishwasher, than spend the 10 seconds it takes to wash the dish that doesn`t fit.
The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock at 6am is the fact that it’s my cellphone.
Gun Control: Use both hands
What’s the answer to this question?
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
Wife: give me money I want to buy a bra. Husband: you`ve got nothing to put in them. Wife: you wear shorts
hey single people..tomorrow is officially `rebound day` after all the ridiculously high romantic expectations end in `epic fail`
Dear life, When I said "can my day get any worse?" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
My life is spent trying to get people to give me the silent treatment.
I was enjoying our conversation. Until you started talking....
“I’m sorry” and “my bad” mean the same thing… Unless you’re at a funeral.
Hey, chicks who have words tattooed on your tits... We didn`t come here to read.