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Never look back. That’s where all the monsters are.
Thank God! the women with 3 boobs was a hoax... I just couldn`t wrap my hands around it....
Chocolate is a flavor of milk, and milk is a flavor of chocolate.
Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are now officially more embarrassing than Miley Cyrus
It`s a shame that stupidity can`t be converted into a usable energy source.
If I had any self control I`d probably eat that too.
If you were home alone in the middle of the night, and you heard a fart, would you laugh or be scared.
When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.
Sometimes I write "This is a hold up. I have a gun." in the memo of the checks I write for people and pray they cash them at the teller.
My bucket list: 4 drumsticks, 2 thighs, 2 mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits. Extra crispy.
According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet, not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.
All my life I thought air was free… and then I bought a bag of chips. ^^
It`s hard to write a good drinking song. I can never make it past the first few bars.
The plans I make after work are in direct proportion to how much charge I have left in my phone battery.
Anyone know how much snow is too much snow not to go to the liquor store?