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Sometimes, I use big words I don`t always fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
There are no winners the day following a green beer, corned beef, and cabbage binge.
Because of smart phones my thumbs now have biceps.
What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin (asking for a friend)
One man`s trash is another man`s profile picture.
Everyone knows spray tans and Tang come from the same stem cells as Cheetos, so why does Wikipedia keep deleting my edits?
Me being rude: Shut the f*ck up. Me being polite: Please shut the f*ck up.
How awesome would it be if boobs made maraca sounds when you shook them? LOL
I dated this musician who used to play songs for me over the phone. Then I realized he was just putting me on hold.
Nothing like working out to make you feel like you deserve that burger and fries.
If a gay guy doesn`t write a book called "Fifty Shades of Haaaaaayyy" I`ll be disappointed.
When I grow up I wanna be a psychiatrist for the mentally insane...so i can find out what the hell is wrong with you people
Maybe this comment wont be important for you guys here. Some of you will ignore it, most of yall wont bother to read and it`ll go unnoticed along with some others. maybe I`ll be criticized for this but I just want to let yall know I`m selling potatoes
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won`t understand how many calories are in it.
I don`t have a drinking problem. If anything, I`m TOO good at it.