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I`d hate to be a dragon .....I`d get so pissed tryin to blow out my birthday candles.
I`m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Recipes sound good until you realize that you don`t have $846 worth of spices in your house.
Attention idiots: as you continue to read something clearly addressed to idiots. Idiot.
"He sure seems like a nice young man" is Grandma-speak for "I`d totally hit that."
a friend will calm you down when you`re angry a best friend will run beside you with a baseball bat shouting, "somebody`s gonna get it!"
I´m a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
I guess “Trying to be” isn’t really the answer the doctor was looking for when he asked if I was sexually active.
I love finding money in my clothes. It’s like a gift to me ... from me.
You ever wonder why wearing no underwear is called “going commando”? It seems to me it wouldn’t be useful in a combat situation.
Language is cool because it`s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.
Car alarms should sound like two chicks in a fight. I`d look out the window for that.
My box of Animal Crackers said, "WARNING: Do Not Eat if Seal is Broken." I open the box, and sure enough...
I’ve found that the things I’m most interested in aren’t really in my best interest.