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Society has put an unnecessary amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.
When I see people jogging outside I like to drive slowly down the road behind them blasting “Eye of the Tiger” just to give them motivation.
I hope this guy at the urinal next to me can see that I`m checking Facebook and not taking pictures.
I`m sorry I got salsa on your baby, and I`m extra sorry I scraped it off with a chip
Things to do today.....pet all the spiders in my house at least twice with my shoe.
I either get what I want or I change my mind!
I`m glad I know sign language. It`s pretty handy.
However lonely you feel, you`re never alone. [There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house.] Goodnight.
Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
If Olympic drinking was an event I would probably take gold in the floor routine.
Girls are like parking spots all the good ones are taken and the rest are to far away
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick. Especially since his name is Mike.
Hangman was my favorite childhood learning game that promoted hanging someone for a wrong answer.
I know my limits. I don’t pay any attention to them, but I know them
at my age, the best part of waking up is the fact that I did wake up