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Live each day like you’re marked for deletion.
Looks like Waldo got on the malasian plane.. well played waldo.. well played..
If you eat it in the car before you get home, it never existed.
If you catch me in the morning in a yoga position... more than likely I passed out drunk that way.
Life is like a box of chocolates. They never last as long for fat people.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
I am not as think as you drunk I am
You know you`re old when you come close to shaving your nipple off while trying to shave your legs!
Some people are like eye-candy... I`m more like eye-meatloaf.
Donuts: An excuse to eat cake for breakfast.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,…Why don’t you ever smile in my pictures?
Remind me why I work 40 hours a week to be this poor?
When someone walks away from me shaking their head, I totally agree.
On a scale from 0 to insane I`m batman
"it`s the thought that counts" doesn`t include showering. You have to actually do that.