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Summer is here. I`m in the process of moving all my bad habits outside.
Nothing says "I mean business" like bringing a shopping cart to the liquor store.
Have you noticed that tire stores never hang big banners that say "Blowout Sale"?
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Laugh now because when I die, I`m coming back to haunt you.
I didn’t give you the finger. You earned it.
The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night.
A poem about me: I hate mornings. I wish I was drunk. The End.
I will stop drinking when Captain Morgan puts his foot down.
Answering my phone and saying... FBI fraud division. Has really cut down on the telemarketers.
I love my six pack abs so much that I cover them with a layer of fat .
Talk to your kids about drugs. Maybe they have better connections than you.
You can tell a lot about a person by putting a hidden camera in their bedroom.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster