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Bigger isn`t always better. Thighs, for example.
Corduroy pillows?... They`re making headlines!....
They say when life gives you lemons….but what if life hands you a rather large banana? What then, my friend? What then?
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I’m going to have.
Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
Happy "Another excuse to drink" Day!
Don’t waste electricity. How would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?
Plot twist: WebMD says you`re just thirsty
I found the key to happiness ... Stay away from a$$holes.
Being an adult is a lot like going to the vet. We`re all excited for the ride until we realize what it`s like where we`re going.
It`s hard to write a good drinking song. I can never make it past the first few bars.
I don`t get why girls get so offended by sexist jokes..I think they are just ovary-acting. Seriously..
I own a shop selling `CLOSED` signs. We haven`t had a single customer today.
When Miley is naked & licks a hammer it’s “art” & “music” ... but when I do it, I`m “wasted” & “have to leave Home Depot"
Sidenote #2: Always have your middle finger ready on standby.