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Did you guys know grammar police rhymes with humorless a$$hole?
I was disappointed to learn that the Discovery Channel’s program “Deadliest Catch” wasn’t about first marriages.
Marriage: It`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
I have this talent of getting tired without doing nothing.
It`s so cold, I just got a $5 foot long from subway, but by the time I got back to my car it was only 6 inches.
In the spirit of spring cleaning and Easter, I`m keeping the dust bunnies as decorations.
People are so ungrateful. No one ever thanks me for having the patience not to kill them.
Why don`t strip clubs do Black Friday? It would be the one place I would camp out to go in.
Why can`t Miss Piggy count to 100? Cuz` when she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat!
If there wasn’t such thing as a last minute I’d never get anything done.
Siri, where are my pants?
The greatest fear is NOT fear itself. It’s dropping your phone in a port-a-potty!
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
I just witnessed a co worker eat a cupcake with no frosting ... What kind of devil worshiping nonsense is this?
Im really not just some idiot with nothing better to do with my time, I just play one in FB.