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“Swearing is unattractive” I’m not attractive anyway so f*ck off
Don`t ever forget.. I`m always here. A l w a y s. Scrolling. Judging. Judging. Scrolling. That`s right. I see everything.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I`m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner...
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out.
Spicy food is like BDSM for your mouth
Have I posted my Alzheimers joke yet?
If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things I keep to myself.
Never give up on your dreams, keep sleeping.
We all need that special person in our lives that makes it worth while to shave our pubes.
I`m often a little confused when people call me insane because, to be honest, I`m still just warming up.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
I often ask myself "What`s wrong with me?" and the answer is ALWAYS "You can`t drink at work"
Sometimes you just have to logout...
If money grew on trees, Congress would actually care about the environment.
It takes me like three days to wake up in the morning.