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Violently swerving your car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesn`t work like it does with humans. Just in case you need to know.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
She walked in & she had legs, legs that went on for days. Who knows where they went? They just kept wenting. - Why my mystery novel failed
You’re the shampoo in the eyes of my life.
I’m too young to be too old for everything.
I would like to think I will die a heroic death, but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my dog and choke on a spoonful of frosting.
No great story started with someone drinking water.
It’s amazing how long you can hold your farts at the beginning of a relationship.
A pretty important part of being a dad is waiting in the car.
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
It`s called fall because everything is falling; leaves, temperature, bank account, gpa, motivation...
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Typical: you have nothing to wear for a party and suddenly the rabbits, the birds and the mice begin to sew you a dress
Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard. And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.
Don`t let anyone call you an "underachiever". If they knew you, they`d know how amazing it is that you`ve managed to accomplish anything.