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When you wish upon a shooting star, all your dreams will come true. Unless the star is really a meteor about to destroy the earth. Then, you´re pretty much dead no matter what you wish for.
They say a woman’s work is never done. Maybe that’s why they get paid less.
Going on a dangerous assignment. If I don`t come back, can someone please tell my girlfriend that I always found her laugh really annoying. Thanks.
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you`re signing a cast.
Simply amazing how one word spoils the whole sentence: I’m getting laid.....off.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Remember, Christmas is over if you sit on a strangers lap now and ask for stuff it`s because you`re a whore.
A lie is just a great story that someone ruined by telling the truth.
Pizza: 73% delicious, 27% also delicious.
A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Sorry I ordered a salad and then ate all your fries.
Fun Prank: Put $1000 in an envelope and mail it to me.
I just had Déjà vu...and you were an asshole both times.
There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.