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Anyone who believes that children are our future has not been to a mall recently.
I FINALLY "friended" my girlfriend on Facebook.. You know.. So I could get updates on our relationship status.. :|
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I came back drunk.
“Let me rephrase this question so I can get pissed off at you all over again.” - WOMEN
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Some things get in the way of my happiness, so I ignore them.
Wouldn`t it be great to revive the old "Mutual Of Omaha`s Wild Kingdom" show, but with a new setting? Like a WalMart Store in Kentucky?
Revenge is not in my plans. You`ll f*ck yourself on your own.
Its sad that we live in a world that puts words into the dictionary if enough stupid people use it.
I don`t drink to get drunk, I drink to.....no wait, I definitely drink to get drunk.
If you`re already in the cop car, I really can`t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
My parents never asked me to run away from home, but there were many unexplained one way tickets.
Ladies...when I say bless you after a sneeze, just say Thank you, instead of wondering where in the bushes that just came from.
Please be careful on the roads. Lots of people are drinking exsessively and letting their wives drive.
Women say childbirth is the most painful thing... obviously they have never stepped on a Lego.