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I`m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Going back to work after 12 days off is the best way to realize I should have married for money.
I`ve considered changing career paths and becoming a demolitions expert, but then I hear the education may cost me an arm and a leg.
Relax, you’re not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.
You know what the cheapest meat is? Deer balls ... They`re under a buck
The Never Ending Story should`ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Most days the best thing about my job is that my chair spins
a walk in the woods helps me to relax and release tension the fact that I`m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant.
If you are alone and feeling lonely, fart. Someone always walks in after you fart.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
I was halfway through a recipe when I read the instruction "Now chill in fridge for at least two hours". I only managed 30 minutes. I was freezing.
Some of my friendships are bad for my liver.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Day 10: I am thankful there are only 20 days left for all my friends to be thankful about how awesome their lives are.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they`re 18.