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The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
Sometimes I worry that eating pizza isn`t a real sport.
This empty wallet looks like I`ll be laughing obnoxiously at some guy`s awful jokes in a bar tonight.
I went to McDonalds, put 5 dollars on the counter and said "Surprise me". Because I never get what I ask for anyway!
Folding laundry with a toddler is like trying to straighten a desk full of papers while a fan blows on it.
There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you’re supposed to be doing something else.
tried being normal. Didn`t like the feeling, so I`m going back to being ME.
I`ll make better mistakes tomorrow.
Sometime when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
Relationship status: sleeping in my bed diagonally.
I wish I had the balls to be a juggler.
Rick Ross be rapping about cars he can`t even fit in.
Relationship status: Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Vodka can be mixed with anything, including more vodka.
Beer never asks me if I think another beer is prettier than it.