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Netflix is soo much better than going out and pretending to like people.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
There`s no b, c, d, f, g, h, j, k, l, n, o, p, q, r, s, u, v, w, x, y, or z in team either.
My Hamster passed today, he fell asleep at the wheel.
The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.
There are people in life you could NEVER get tired of hitting with a shovel!!!
No matter what happens this month, at least you’re not a turkey.
My life is a result of "it seemed like a good idea at the time."
Dear sneeze, If you`re gonna happen, happen. Don`t put a stupid look on my face and leave
When I was a kid, I wanted to be an adult. So yeah...kids are stupid.
If you are offended by the opinions I express you can only imagine the ones I keep to myself.
I want to put a bib on a baby that says "This dumbass put my cape on backwards." lol
Current relationship status: Leaving pizza and beer in the bushes, to lure in stalkers.
I always wear a wedding ring when I go grocery shopping, so everyone thinks my cart full of groceries are for a family of 4 instead of just me
New Game: Attach a mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.