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Girl: What`s the plan, get me drunk and take advantage of me. Boy: Good, you`ve done this before
Condom slogan: Wrap it in latex or she`ll get your paychecks.
I`m sorry I got salsa on your baby, and I`m extra sorry I scraped it off with a chip
I`m hosting a wine tasting event in my home. Well, it`s not really an event. It`s just me and three bottles of wine. No one else is invited.
Logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
You`re about 8 beers away from being my type.
If life was easy, we wouldn`t need alcohol.
Learn to fight like you`re the third monkey trying to get on the Ark!
The heart wants what the heart wants. *opens 12th beer*
This post was going to be really funny but I didn`t write it down because I was totally sure I`d remember it.
Iām on a forgotten-name basis with quite a lot of people.
Dear Lord, Thanks for making me funny. Especially since you didn`t give me much else to work with.
"You blew a tranny" means something completely different to an auto mechanic.
My Wife asked, "Would you like a romantic interlude?" I said, "Does a bear crap in the woods?". Wish I`d just said `Yes`, she`s been on Google ever since.
Kids teach you so many life lessons. Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.