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*Removes smoke detector battery *Cooks in silence
It`s amazing how much people are willing to lower their eating standards when you insert the word "free" in front of the word "food".
Sometimes, if you believe in something hard enough and deeply enough, nothing happens.
My car remote died. I had to insert my key into the lock like some kind of goddamn animal.
After four centuries, the semicolon has finally achieved it`s true calling: helping people wink online.
I`m just going to start wearing a shirt to work that says "I`m good, thanks for asking."
and alcohol are now friends.
Never make the same mistake twice, There are so many new ones, Try a different one each day.
My New Years resolution is to stop procrastinating so much.
i only drink on days that end with y
My coworkers are looking at me like they`ve never seen anyone tailgate before work.
If your having a bad day, remember that somewhere on this big planet, someone just lost their straw in a capri sun!!
I`m trying to lose weight by eating carrots and bran muffins. It`s a fiber-optics diet.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
First rule of Pizza club, you don’t share it.