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When people ask me what I`m going to be on Halloween, the answer is always the same: really drunk
If you`re one in a million, there are more than 7,000 of you.
I`m gaining weight for my role as "Before picture"
My most frequent walk of shame is from one bathroom to the other with the plunger
During the first two weeks of January, people often resolve to lose weight, which is great for me because the line at Golden Corral is much shorter.
If electricity comes from electrons… does that mean that morality comes from morons?
Why is it called stealing when your WIFI is trespassing in my house?
Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.
1: Say "Unh! 2: Mumble three spanish words. 3: list four cities. You just made a Pitbull song.
When I think of a selfie, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of
I`ve found that nowadays most people don`t like holding hands in public. Especially if you don`t know them.
Does this couch I`m laying on make me look unmotivated?
Going to Target. See you in about two hundred bucks...
Day Light savings this weekend is pissing me off, we will lose a hour we will never get back...........wait...thinkin`.....I guess we do....carry on...
And I was like “No, Coke is NOT ok. I wanted a Pepsi.” And she was all “Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies.”