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America: Where stairs are only used for emergency escape purposes.
Difference between men and women: Women can change their mind whenever they want. Men can change their mind whenever the woman wants.
Apparently "Fat Tuesday" doesn´t constitue telling fatties they´re fatties.
Right now I`m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I`ve forgotten this before.
I used to be a terrible flirt ... I am much better at it now.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
My wife woke up with a HUGE smile on her face this morning. I love sharpies.
I`m at my most popular when I just want to be alone.
If they were really trying to prepare high school kids for “real life” they would offer a class called “working with a$$holes”
Today feels like a stay in bed, pull the blankets over your head, and pretend you`re on an adventure in a kangaroo`s pouch type of day
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
I`m not giving the kids a time out. I`m giving myself one. The thought of sitting in a corner & being ignored sounds just heavenly.
Fact: You wish Facebook had the middle finger button.
I secretly like days when none of my Facebook friends have birthdays.
Sometimes I get mad about having to unload the dishwasher but then I remember a machine just washed my dishes for me.