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Mondays should start at noon.
It’s fun to pull someone’s leg… but don’t ever pull their finger.
Never trust anyone who smiles this early in the morning.
That awkward moment when you go for a run and your boobs start to bounce up and down.......and you`re a guy.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Sh!t Sherlock Research Institute.
Just found out I`m pregnant. At least that`s what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.
Diet Tip #63 : Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour.
No, I don`t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
I once shot a man with a paintball gun just to watch him dye.
My body is by no means a temple but it can be one heck of a amusement park ride...
What`s the point of blurring out the middle finger on TV, like oh you`ve fooled me, what`s behind that blur? Is it a monkey? A pencil?
What are the words I`m looking for? Oh yeah...Eat sh!t and die.
If a cannibal is late for dinner, do they give him the cold shoulder?
That awkward moment when you are killing it on Mario Kart & then realize you are looking at the wrong side of the screen.
I wish I had Dora`s mom and dad, they let that girl go everywhere.