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Have some fun with your life...call in sick to places you dont even work at.
It`s like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.
Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat.
If you really want to get under someone`s skin these days, just leave them a voicemail.
You need a high five, in the face, with a chair.
So I`m giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)
Its amazing how much more tolerable thanksgiving with the family becomes after the 5th cocktail…
There’s really no reason to repeat yourself. I ignored you just fine the first time.
I don`t think America should elect a president in 2016. We need to be single for a few years and find ourselves.
It’s getting harder and harder to find vodka-flavored vodka.
I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck ... My wife still came home ... Superstitions are stupid.
Admit it. When you go to the zoo, the first thing you look at is the Camel`s foot.
Of all the things life has given to me... I would like to return 20 lbs.
If I had a time machine, I`d just keep going back every 8-9 hours so I could sleep more.
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the f*ck down. -Bfanch