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Doing it wrong is the only thing I do right.
Do you ever just get a random burst of motivation to clean your house, write a novel, paint a masterpiece or read a book ... Yeah, me neither.
Just in: Chinese people confirm they were just messing with us with chopsticks. "You guys look like dumb idiots lol" says one Chinese guy
So glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how much I’m understanding what other people are saying.
Miley Cyrus and Justin Beiber were both answers on Jeopardy tonight. The end is near........
They say that you are what we eat. This means that I am cheap, easy and ready in 2 minutes!
Every time I stop making bad decisions, I get more and more boring.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullshit I’ll put up with before I catch on.
ever notice that on a phone the word "mom" is 666?
my imaginary friend thinks ur crazy? an shes hot!
Walmart...because going to Target requires identity theft protection and a shower.
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart or at Taco Bell.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
I’m dedicating this status update to all the status-less people out there. Stay strong.
It should really be called teethpaste.