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Nothing shuts my pie hole more than an actual pie.
I believe in magic because it`s the only way to explain how fitted sheets get folded.
When pornstars get up to speak in front of a large group, do they picture people with their clothes on?
*accidentally answers phone call* ... *pretends to be answering machine*
The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Whats the definition of a tree? Something that stands still for forty years then suddenly jumps out in front of a woman driver.
“Single and ready to mingle” is the fancy way of saying “Alone and desperate”
I wouldn`t pay for a personal trainer, but I would pay someone to just knock unhealthy food out of my hands.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn`t work any better.
“Hey baby, do you smell that?” “No.” “Me neither, start cooking.”
Absolutely is my favourite nothing to do...
Nobody tell my husband that "year round periods" aren`t a thing.
I could totally handle twins, triplets even quadruplets. Hold it, you`re talking about BABIES?
I`m just 1 nap, 8 beers, 2 orgasms and my own personal robot away from this being the best day ever.
In other news millions of facebook user suddenly got their law degree