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That awkward moment when your screen freezes on a really embarrassing website
As a child, you dream of adventure, travel & success. As an adult, a lot of the time, you just hope the toilet flushes.
If you listen real closely to my kids arguing tonight, you`ll hear the sound of me pouring a glass of wine.
If you want to preview of the new iPhone 8 and try it out for free before buying it just look at your iPhone 7 and pretend it cost several hundred dollars more.
People are like music, some speak the truth and others are just noise.
You`re exceeding the limits of my medication. Please go away.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: "None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare."
Wife fell asleep on the couch so I drew a spider on her glasses with dry erase marker. And now we wait...
drinking 2% milk, wondering what the other 98% is...
I finally did it. I gave my cat a bath today. It really wasn`t that bad. She enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. Other than the fur sticking to the roof of my mouth, it went well.
I was going to change my profile pic to a pumpkin for Halloween, but it didn`t look that much different from my actual head.
Whoever convinces blind people that they need sunglasses,, is one heck of a salesman....
The original creator of the phrase “common sense” surely didn’t know many people.
Thanks to the presence of fools, wise people stand out.
People say that I have no idea what hard work is. That`s not true! I know exactly what it is... How do you think I avoid it so easily?