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I look forward to the day that cell phone technology finally catches up with technology in digital watches and they release a model that is water resistant up to 100 meters.
Nobody wants to know your diet. So shut up, eat your lettuce and be sad.
Women say they love a man in uniform but when i go clubbing in my McDonalds uniform none of them will talk to me....I`m confused
Imagine being naked in a room full of people who speak a different language and everyone wants to touch you. That is the life of a dog.
Kids are like debit cards. I get yelled at when I accidentally leave them at the store.
Old is when you start thinking about the things you used to do more than the things you’re going to do.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth … and drink all the vodka inside … It seems to help
I hope this snowstorm doesn`t impact my schedule of aimlessly wasting my day online.....
Every selfie you post should come stamped with a number like a limited edition print. "Attempt 7 of 25".
Am I the only one who closes the silverware drawer with an epic pelvic thrust?
When you`re a kid, dick jokes are considered adult content, but when you`re an adult, they`re considered immature.
I didn’t get the job… heading home.. Good Bye Rome.. until we meet again.
Another year has passed. I`ve just about given up on the Mayans.
Just got done putting up all the garage sale signs. Hope the neighbor appreciates how much work I put into their surprise garage sale.
Hey officer, why did you stop me? Just an hour ago, you said that you never wanted to see me again.