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How to make friends: 1. Tell people you have weed.
You guys ever trip out on the fact that Indian people eat Indian food for breakfast?
I bet if the movie "mirrors" releases part 3, the 1st victim will die while trying to take a selfie
The day I can get a correct order at a fast food establishment is the day I will support an increase in minimum wage.
If I was a funeral director, I would tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.Then the zombie apocalypse would be hilarious.
Facebook is cheaper than therapy, twice as effective & you can do it naked.
You call them “cuss words.” I choose to call them “sentence enhancers.”
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Marriage counseling - because sometimes your spouse needs to hear from a professional that they are being an a$$
Is it just me that finds it disturbing that you can accidentally make a baby but you can`t accidentally make a pizza?
This is 2016. How come I can`t email someone a fart when I feel like it?
Guys be like, "Lets play 21 question." Girl: Ok, what`s your favorite color? Boy: Triangle, so you a virgin?
My body needs a refresh button.
Trix commercials just teach kids that sharing is bad.
My mum`s so old fashioned she thinks LOL = Lots of love. She sent me an SMS saying just to let you know you`re Pa`s in hospital LOL.