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People who are about to tell you something then say "never mind" are the reason why I sometimes admire serial killers
I helped my girlfriend with the dinner last night. I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
It hurts when you goto unfriend someone only to discover they beat you to it
When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
Can Walmart be a feeling? I`m pretty sure that`s how I`m feeling today.
Don`t invite me anywhere last minute. I enjoy doing nothing so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed.
I generally don`t hang out with people who are missing digits on their feet. It`s not that I`m a jerk. I`m just lack-toes intolerant.
I’ve noticed the less open-minded someone is, the more open-mouthed they tend to be.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I`m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that`s what she wrote in her diary.
Best grilled cheese ever!! All I did was add a hamburger patty.
Resisting the urge to write "Just shut the f*ck up" on someones status.
How strange, some guy just waved half of a peace sign at me...
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
I can paint the house and buy new furniture and my kids won`t notice, but, buy a new phone case...
Well if you didn`t want me to fall in love with you, why did you tell me you had nachos?