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Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
One of the greatest things about owning a dog is how happy they are to see you even though you just stepped out of the house for 30 seconds.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say "I`m affordable" instead of "I`m adorable".
You know what`s really great about being a narcissist? Me.
Relax, you’re not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.
Why doesn’t McDonalds have an order taking microphone on both sides of the car, yet?
If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime", say "I`m ready to hang out now" and watch them panic.
I just saw a woman at Walmart with March Madness teeth ... She was down to the final four.
I was about to do something awesome, again, but I told myself “Enough is enough, that’s plenty of awesome for one day”
Waiter, bring me a bowl of turtle soup and make it snappy.
It’s only Wednesday and I’m 95% done with this week.
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night… So I said I had a headache.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It`s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
I failed my driver`s test. For the question "What do you do at a Red Light?" I said "Text and check Facebook."
These statuses are a lot better if you imagine them being read by Morgan Freeman.