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It took dozens and dozens of flushes and a plunger, but my guinea pig`s funeral is finally over.
I thought the movie `fast & furious` was about my sex life. I`m fast, my wife is furious.
You poor thing. You don`t even realize you`re batsh!t crazy, do you?
If running on a treadmill was the only way to recharge our phones we would be the healthiest mofos on the planet.
If we learned anything from the Mayans, it’s that if you don’t finish something, it’s not the end of the world
I wonder if any Disney managers ever start a meeting off with "What kind of Mickey Mouse operation are we running around here?"
Just remember, If we get caught you`re deaf and I don`t speak English.
Of course I`m using OJ as a mixer, it`s flu season.
A quiet man is a thinking man. A quiet woman is usually mad.
Took the ice from my ice bucket challenge and put it in my whisky.
Google maps should have a “Scenic!” route option for when we’re not in a hurry and just want to enjoy the ride.
I have the ability to drive people crazy. I`m not sure if I was born with it or if I learned it. But damn am I great at it.
They say I have a drinking problem. I say they have a problem with nudity.
Apple and Blackberry should team up and make a phone called the Pie.
Not sure if I logged into Facebook or the Cartoon Network.