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To be honest, I panic a bit right before I have to pronounce Worcestershire sauce.
If you are having anxiety over something you`ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
I`m more confused than a homeless person on house arrest.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Every time I start to feel happy I remember the shingles virus is already inside me.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the taser wrong.
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say "Give me the dumbest thing you can think of."
When I get a headache, I take 2 aspirins and keep away from children, just like the bottle says.
you know you have a kid personality when you think step brothers is the greatest movie ever.
Do athletic people not know about Netflix?
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."
Apparently people don`t like it when you lick your thumb and wipe all that black dirt off their forehead.
The older I get, the more I understand someone`s desire to just say-"F*ck it. I`m going to be drunk all the time & live under this bridge."
Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens.