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Beer and a 44 magnum with an everclear shot makes everything good like Nintendo
I hate crickets in my house.....except for the one I just killed. He seems ok.
RAIN!!!! :) I guess my rain dances must have worked. Some people call it stumbling around... I call it rain dancing.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like "Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot."
I have over 500 facebook friends, and i want to say that i love you all...except for number 376 ..you`re a real a@@hole!!
Nothing makes you feel more insignificant than still having 85% battery at noon.
The first snow of spring is always the most beautiful
Don`t talk to me about hard times. My dog just licked the last piece of pizza.
Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don`t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.
When I`m bored, I send a random text to a random number saying "I hid the body... now what?"
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Always end a conversation with "gotta run" so people think you`re into fitness
How does one get suspended with full pay and benefits? Asking for a friend who is actually me.
maturity comes when you stop publishing every detail of your life on social media
If nobody comes from the future to stop you, how bad can the decision really be?