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You know you are getting old when you see girls from TEEN category moved to MATURE & MILFS.
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren’t there Starbucks pumpkin spice latte trucks in the winter?
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Ever seen a person so disgusting you hold your breath when you walk by them? Yea I have.
One of the major benefits of using a combined 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner is having enough room leftover on the shower caddy for the beer.
The word bed looks like a bed.
Every morning I check my girlfriends horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
Blue&Black or White&Gold? Who cares what color the dress is, so long as its balled up on the floor of my bedroom.
I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Side effects of telling your wife to get a grip may include throat bruising or testicular swelling.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. I came back drunk.
I give up on life! I have better luck playing Monopoly...or Clue...
Why get married? Just pick a girl you hate and buy her a house.