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If Facebook was school I swear we would all have perfect attendance.
Beer is good, but beers are better.
Things I hate about work: 1. Waking up 2. Humans 3. Working
If I wasn`t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn`t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don’t be mad, I’ll be there too. Not in the cage but laughing at you.
Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
I read somewhere that we only use 10% of our brains. I wonder what the other half is for?
I HATE it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. ..For the FIFTH time, I do not want to go to your cat`s birthday party. Damn it! ..My dog is getting married
I`m alone in my car ... Counting it as a vacation.
I`ve been hiding from exercise ... I`m in the fitness protection program.
Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT
"Wow! That Lean Cuisine really filled me up!" ... said no one, ever.
I hate it when I fill my blowup doll with helium and then she plays hard to get...
You know when dogs sticks their heads out of a moving car window, bite at the air and it looks like fun? I tried it. It is.
If you want to talk to me on the phone, I need at least three days notice.