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My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night. So I said I had a headache.
I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is?
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this?
I’m always impressed when I can stump auto-correct...
Like my therapist always says, "I`m not your therapist, you`re just laying on a couch in Ikea"
Why is the guy who serves you at the restaurant called a waiter, when it is you that is waiting?
Irony: Asking God to help you on a science exam.
Life before the internet was awful. Your friend would be wrong about a trivial issue during dinner and you just had to let it go
Dear person reading this, just want you to know that someone cares about you. It`s not me, but I`m sure someone does...
Twinkle twinkle little star, I want to hit you with my car.
I can`t really walk the walk, or talk the talk. But, if you need someone to drink the drink, I`m your man!
Hey rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
It’s called a “remote” because those are your odds of finding it when you want to change the channel.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.