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The only government agency that listens to you is the NSA.
BEST PICK UP LINE: You would probably sleep better tonight if we had sex.
Is glad Christmas is near i sure need new coloring books and crayons ..
Having a favorite homeless person is weird, right?
"I got this." Translated: I most certainly do not have this, but prepare to be thoroughly entertained.
I went to my local shop for a paper the other day. A guy out of no where started to throw eggs, cream and milk at me. I thought to myself how dairy?
A slug is just a divorced snail.
I`ve made up my mind, I`m not giving up anything for Lent, I`m no quitter...
That moment when you realize the object of #WeightWatchers is NOT see who can score the most points...
How come there are never any restrooms in my dreams
Not clicking like on this status makes your a$$ look fat.
I think I will stick to my old fashioned pepper shaker. This new pepper spray tastes terrible on my potatoes...
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle? WHY!!??
The first five days after the weekend are always the toughest.
Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned.