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How to make friends: 1. Tell people you have weed.
I cant believe I saw a woman wearing slippers in church today! I almost dropped my beer.
My 14 year old sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added "not in your pajamas". So I`m wearing hers because good moms listen.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Always be yourself, unless you can be Batman, always be Batman.
My Boss requested me on facebook. I was like "pssst". If only he knew all the sh*t I post about his ugly @$$.
Dating a single mother.... It`s like continuing from somebody else`s saved game.
Just read a book on quantum evolution. The idea is that quantum mechanics are involved in the process of evolution. I still say go to WalMart and then try to sell me on evolution....
It`s always the darkest before dawn. So if you are going to steal your neighbor`s newspaper that`s the best time to do it.
There`s a big difference between a mechanic and a surgeon when they work on a tranny.
I may have no one rocking my world right now, but I have no one ruining it either!
I`ll tell you what`s wrong with modern society. Nobody ever drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore.
I don`t gamble. I don’t drink. My one vice is my iPhone. Well, that and lying about drinking and gambling.
I wonder if pet products are tested on humans?
If our phones were really smart, they would tell us to get off of Facebook and do something meaningful or constructive with our lives.