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Just once I`d like to yell, "Don`t you know who I am?!" because I`m important, not because I`m drunk and actually forgot.
I am a completely different person when I`m not under female supervision.
I hate sharing popcorn with someone at the cinema and our fingers touch. Especially if I don`t know them, and they don`t know we`re sharing.
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my phone. 1. I don`t have a girlfriend.
There are so many scams on the Internet now. Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.
I`ve been catfishing my best friend for the last 3 weeks. He`s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I`m showing these emails to his wife.
"I knew that..." -Me, after every Jeopardy question.
The only thing I drink from a shot glass nowdays is Maalox.
Left the toilet seat up. Wife screaming in 5, 4, 3, 2...
I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
There`s a big difference between a mechanic and a surgeon when they work on a tranny.
Fact: No one has ever "Jumped in the shower."
A lot of people don`t know this, but you can quietly like or dislike Obama.
I could really go for a vegetable sandwich! Maybe some tomatoes, some spinach, cucumbers... With cheese. And a hamburger patty. And bacon. Ok I really want a bacon cheeseburger.
I used to like my neighbors until they changed the password to their wi-fi :)