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Just bought myself a mistletoe belt buckle. Wish me luck.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you`re the crazy one.
Please drink responsibly this weekend and don`t drink and dri......Wait this is Facebook, most of you probably won`t leave the house! ... Good talk!
When I win the lottery, the first thing I`m going to buy is a pot to piss in. I`ve always wanted one of those.
I`ve decided that I`m an ass man. Don`t get me wrong, horses are beautiful. They just aren`t as cute as donkeys.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen - sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
buying an old Mercedes Benz so that people may think you have been rich all along
Remember before the internet when all the people at the video store knew you watched porn alone on Saturday mornings
Cubs fans, you need to wait 107 more years. But don`t worry, 2124 will be here before you know it!
This woman just flipped me off and I couldn`t agree more.
You know you can`t say "happiness" without saying "p*nis"
Beware of the deodorants with instructions that ask you to "remove the top and push up bottom"... they could at least make them round.
I wish there was a way to find out how many boners you’ve caused in a lifetime, I wanna check my stats.
Laugh now but at the rate they are reproducing, the people of Walmart may one day take over the world.
This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.