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I have an awesome idea, but first I`ll need a zebra, bungee cords, jello, and a partner in crime. Any takers?
I like people. I just don`t want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.
Life is not a garden so quit being a hoe
No heel is too high when pointed up at the ceiling.
Apparently some strangers don’t need a hug.
Most problems can be solved with nudity.
Your giving me the silent treatment??? FKN FINALLY!!
I just bought a medical alert bracelet that says ... "Probably just sh!tfaced."
Your baby has no idea that you threw him a 1st birthday party. All you did was inconvenience your friends.
I`ve created a new gym to help with the child obesity problem. There is no building, I am just slowly driving around neighborhoods in an ice cream truck without ever stopping.
I`m surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics. So glad I found y`all.
This post was going to be really funny but I didn`t write it down because I was totally sure I`d remember it.
I trust Snapple facts more than CNN and Fox News.
When my dog sniffs another dog’s poop I can only assume that it’s their equivalent to checking a friend’s facebook page.
A 4-way stop is an IQ test you take in public.