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If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it`s working.
Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat.
When they say " drink responsibly ", what they really mean is "don`t f***in spill it!"
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop and where to spend it
I’m not shy. I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.
I wasn`t planning on giving Christmas gifts this year until I heard about those exploding Samsung G7 Note phones.
Sometimes I run toward people & expect them to know that I want them to do the Dirty Dancing lift but they never know and I slam into them.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn`t 3 hours long.
Spent $50 on E-bay to enlarge my happy place. The creep sent me a magnifying glass.
If you`re wondering why you`re single, date someone. You`ll remember
Best thing = Waking up, looking in your refrigerator and seeing a pizza box.
Accept the craziness. Life will be a bore without it.
Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT
On the 14th of December I`m going to call people and say "7 Days" then hang up...
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.