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According to my nipples, summer is over
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
If you knew what I considered to be my "best behavior" it`s doubtful you`d advise me to be "on it".
Remember, You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever.
Is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep?
Coffee: fueling you for a job you can`t stand to support a life you never wanted. Tastes good though...
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine - I’d worship him too.
Make Tomorrow More Fun: Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold
I hope my last words aren’t “What does this thing do?”
It took me quite some time to be this good a procrastinator
There`s a sucker born every minute, but swallowers are harder to find.
I was on the treadmill for 20 minutes this morning. Tomorrow I might even turn it on, but let’s not rush into things.
From now on when I accept a friend request I`ll just write on their wall: You belong to me now.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets??