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Did anyone hear the one about the cross dresser? The happiest day in his life was when he finally got into his girlfriend`s pants.
Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re making my pizza & you say "This guy looks like he wants extra cheese" then please do..
In honor of St. Patrick`s Day, I`m going to create a hybrid of a four leaf clover and poison ivy and give myself a rash of good luck
I bought one of the "Books for Dummies" for 50% off, but I needed help to figure out what the price was.
I want to be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
I can´t wait for summer. One of my highlights of summer is talking into the fan to hear my robot voice.
If today were a fish, I`d throw it back.
When I drink I become everybody`s friend which makes up for my hating everybody when I`m sober.
Don`t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.
If Kanye didn`t sing "Gold Digger" while Kim walked down the aisle, I`m not interested in hearing anything about their wedding.
Being a Zombie doesn`t sound that bad. You don`t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
I just quit my job at the helium bottling plant. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone!
Nothing says "I`ve already given up on this day" quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.
My buddy told me he was going to Beerfest this weekend, I asked him where, he said "any bar I walk into!!!"
I have an inferiority complex,,,,,, but it isn`t a very good one.