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GF: Does this dress make my a$$ look big? BF: Nope Your A$$ makes the dress look big.
I`ve been married to my wife 10 years today. Having sex with just one person in 10 years is pure dedication. I don`t know how she does it.
Apparently, I did not use enough a$$hole repellent today
Saw a chameleon today. So I guess it`s safe to say it was a pretty sh!tty chameleon.
whoever snuck the `s` in fast food is a clever person
Bless me Father for I hit send.
At work, sometimes I secretly brew decaf coffee in the normal pot so that everyone else works at my pace.
Lord, it`s me... Can you close your eyes for a couple minutes while I deal with a slight problem?
I don`t lift so maybe I`m wrong about this, but I feel like Popeye might be focusing on his forearms too much.
I don`t quite get women who have like 15 bridesmaids. I don`t even like 15 people altogether in my life.
Me blacking out when I`m drunk is God`s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
My phone just filmed a 6 hour documentary about life inside my pocket
My only trick for looking younger, is when an 80`s song comes on I try to look completely confused and slightly disgusted.
Every novel is a mystery, if you never finish it.
WebMD auto dialed an ambulance when I entered my chicken nugget intake.