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You’re going to make some cats very happy one day.
Every time I use a public bathroom, I always wonder why so many people have Sharpies on them at all times.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why didn`t you text me? I`ll never call you back. Like, ever. You`d have better luck with a telegram.
Showed my daughter an MRE. The package said "Peelable Seal". She said I`m not eating no seal.
I was on way home this morning when I seen an AA van pulled in and the driver was crying his eyes out. I thought to myself that guy is heading for a breakdown.
Hi, im _____ but you could call me sexy.
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it’s strapped to the top of someone’s car.
Turns out if you fake your death every monday work catches on.
Unless your kids fundraiser is selling whisley, I`m not really interested
When I started out, I was young and idealistic, I wanted a Career and to make a difference in the World, but it turned out that I only wanted Paychecks........
Whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never received any d!ck pics
My mom likes playing this game called `yell from four rooms away and get upset when I can`t hear her`.
Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.
Good neighbors do not put password on their wi-fi.
Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear... "Monday has been canceled, go back to sleep."